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No Time, No Money, No Train Ticket, No Battery, No Problem

Jacob Ott

Dr. Prof. Otts Bahncard

"Oh God - dear conductor, I wasn't expecting you. I assure you, I actually have a ticket somehow. Wait a moment while I explain it to you. My cell phone battery just died and I unfortunately packed the wrong cable when I left home in a hurry this morning for the opening of an exhibition in Schaffhausen. A friend, my friend, so not a steady friend, but a good friend, or only recently, a very good buddy, Reto Müller, invited to the opening ceremony of his exhibition in the Museum zu Allerheiligen in Schaffhausen. Yes, it must be called so: ZU Allerheiligen, where I also just come from. A strange name for a museum, I thought. Now I'm already going back to Basel, where I live, where I have my studio, where I work, where I rest from all the driving back and forth. I was only briefly in Schaffhausen, you have to believe me, actually only for a moment, that's no reason to punish me so miserably here. Because of the shortness of my visit, I was not even able to taste the much advertised Apéro-riche, I did not even sip a flute of champagne. So many exciting people were there, like Mr. Maus from the Manor department store chain. I didn't even get to shake Mr. Maus's hand because I was only there for such a short time. I had already spent my money on a jacket, so that I wouldn't look completely run-down at the exhibition and Mr. Maus would have to wrinkle his pointed nose. I wanted to make a good impression, despite the shortness. With the important people every moment counts. Now, unfortunately, I didn't have enough time to buy a ticket with this zero account balance. I have no choice but to ask you for all the grace or holy compassion that I hope your mother has given you on the way to your respectable train conductor life. I can see directly that you have made something of yourself, even though it may not always have been easy. I respect that. Would it be presumptuous of you to show me some respect, too? Understanding is what people in England call it. They teach it at school. You know exactly what I'm talking about here. Show some compassion. Or lend me your charger cable or even your cell phone, then I could show you a ticket. I already have one, but the battery is flat. That never really happens to me, I swear on my credit rating. In fact, it may never have happened to me before. That's how much I've learned in my young life. I have also studied extensively. Maybe not the right thing, at least not what my grandmother would have wanted, but I have studied something, and not without effort. On my BahnCard it also says: Doctor Professor Ott. Valid until 2024. Unfortunately, I didn't take the BahnCard with me. I never take it with me, everything can be called up on my cell phone. If that had power now, too, I would show you everything. There would be many beautiful documents that I could hold under your red nose. Talking about your nose: There is something stuck to your nose, it looks unappetizing. Would you like a tissue to remove it? That would be fine with me, since I'm already sick enough from the wild rocking of the train. But unfortunately I don't have a handkerchief, you can also use my shirt here, which is no longer fresh anyway, I had already worn a few days, on my bike tour along the Rhine. That was really an interesting tour. There was a small place, this was called Im Ziel. He was not my stage destination, but it was funny that this place was called: At the finish. Unfortunately, I had little time, evening it was already, when I drove past it, only briefly in me I laughed when I read the place name sign. Fortunately, I go today by train and not by bike. My calves are still burning, as if someone had burned a stable number into them. I can hardly walk, let alone cycle. Since I live in Switzerland, I don't really take the German train at all. It's always late, too, and the staff have a mood like they're tortured with sleep deprivation every time a train is unpunctual. Have you ever worked on a Swiss train? There you can buy military choggi in the bistro car. Here there is not even a bistro car. I have to get off here anyway. I wish him a good evening, take care."